midnight musings

Coming to Terms

Moving Forward

Well, it’s finally happened. The desire to write is back!

I owe my followers an apology for my disappearance. The truth is, since my return to the US I’ve felt an unrelenting pang of emptiness. I’ve lost all motivation to do nearly anything. Crippled with anxiety, PTSD, and depression-I’ve become a victim to my own mind.

How did this happen?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, coming back home is one of the hardest things a traveler can do.

This blog was once a place where I would share the many adventures I had and the beautiful places I once traversed. It has now become radio silent, filled with static. The adventures have stopped and the carefree backpacker has been hopelessly in retirement. In all honesty, when I look back at these wonderful memories, I am filled with, not pride, but avarice. How I wish I could be that girl once again! She could climb mountains and throw herself off of them without a inkling of fear.

I am a shell of the woman I once was, but like the Phoenix I will be reborn.

~Rise out of the ashes

The five years I spent traveling and living abroad taught me many things about life, love, and most importantly- myself. Throughout my long journey I was forced to pull myself out of difficult and dangerous situations. I’ve been raped, drugged, robbed, and penniless. I’ve slept on numerous streets and on the floor of many airports. I’ve also nearly died on a few occasions. What you see on the outside are the beautiful pictures in exotic places and a smiling girl, but underneath that smile hides the sacrifices made. The years of trauma I endured and the lack of stability, caused my physical and mental health to deteriorate. It was 2 years ago sitting in a love motel in Busan, Korea that I made the difficult decision to go home for good.

It may not have felt like it then, but it was the greatest choice I could have made for future.

I thought I knew what I wanted when I stepped on that plane destined for Florida. For months, the idea of a white picket fence danced around in my head. Longing for comradery, unity, and lasting relationships that would ground me where I stood. The craving to grab my backpack and run to a new place 50,000 miles away seemed to disappear. All I could focus on, was my well-being.

There once was a time where I would run towards the uncertain and cower from the familiar. These choices, much like a wild bush, each bear different fruits. One bears immediately ripe sweet fruit, while the other is extremely bitter and requires time to become sweet. You can only eat so many bitter fruits before the sweet fruit starts looking enticing.

~The easy way out

When I think back to when I decided to quit my job and leave the American dream behind, I think I was running from something. I always thought my fear of not fully “living” the only life I’ve been given was the catalyst that drove me to a “Live fast, die young” adventurous lifestyle. Although that was definitely part of it, I realize now that I was mostly afraid to face the life I once had. We all have our fair share of skeletons in the closet, and I’m no different, but my 5 years of running from them taught me an invaluable lesson. At some point you have to bust open that closet wide and confront the things that haunt you. If you don’t, you will never find peace, no matter where you are.

So it is with that that I want you all to know, that I am finally coming to terms with my new life. Healing doesn’t happen overnight and it also doesn’t happen alone. I’ve surrounded myself with family and friends to help heal the deep wounds within me. I’ve learned to ask for help, and for once it feels good not to be alone. I don’t want to take the easy way out anymore, no matter how sweet the fruit might be. I’m ready to face my life as it is and accept myself .

As the famous quote goes…

I may not be where I want to be, but I’m closer than I was yesterday.

1 comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: